A very common reason behind why married couples struggle significantly is because they misunderstand in what ways they are the same and in what ways they are different. Here is some biblical wisdom for how to solve this.
1. We must realize husbands and wives (males and females) are equally created in the image of God (Gen. 1:26-27; 2:18) and so are equally significant in God’s eyes. When a person has more strength, greater empathy, a greater intelligence, or a more visible set of gifts than someone else, this does not threaten this reality. Since this is true, when a husband and wife are both Christians, they are coheirs or fellow heirs of the grace of life (1 Peter 3:7, CSB, NASB).
2. We must remember that husbands and wives are equally significant when it comes to serving the Lord and His body. Both are to use their spiritual gifts to serve the Lord and fellow Christians, as good stewards of God’s varied grace (1 Corinthians 12:4-12; 1 Peter 4:10).
3. They are equal in each being essential to the marriage and family. Of course, both husband and wife are necessary biologically for a child to be born. Each, however, in some of the differences they bring to the marriage and family—the gentle, affectionate, caring, sensitive way of a typical mother (1 Thes. 2:7-8) and the challenging, boundary-pushing, stretching way of a typical father—is needed to provide a full-orbed, godly atmosphere to the home.
4. Husbands and wives each have the same ultimate purposes toward each other, which include helping each other to flourish (Gen. 1:26-28) and thus loving each other in a Christ-like manner (Matt. 22;37-40; Eph. 5:1-2).
Yet, there are also many differences we must keep before us for a marriage to function to its fullest.
5. Husbands and wives are well-served in facing the reality that there is a difference in strength between husbands and wives (1 Peter 3:7). On the one hand, this is why the history of the world is one in which women have been abused and taken advantage of in horrible ways. On the other hand, it provides the husband the opportunity to use that greater strength in a courageous way to provide for, defend, and to protect his bride, thus showing how the infinitely powerful One humbled Himself to love, serve, and save His bride (1 Cor. 16:13-14; Eph. 5:25-27; 1 Pet. 3:7). It also motivates wives to love their husbands sacrificially by continuing to respect them, even when the husband is not as sensitive or understanding as the wife thinks they should be (Eph. 5:33).
6. Given what we saw in the previous number, husbands and wives must remember they have different roles. The husband is the head of the wife, which means he has a leadership role in the marriage and in the family (Gen. 2:18; 5:1-2; Eph. 5:23). Yet, the way one leads in a Christ-like way is to do so sacrificially (Eph. 5:25), as a servant (Mt. 20:28), even though there is still a call to set the direction and priorities (Eph. 5:25-27; 6:4). Understood in the light of all of Scripture, the husband is to love and lead his wife in a way that she flourishes in all of life, yes, in all her walk with Christ (Gen. 1:26-28; Eph. 5:25-27). The wife, even though she will have superior gifts and skills in some areas than her husband, she remembers they have different roles, and she must support and encourage her husband in his leadership. She, therefore, places herself under his leadership (Eph. 5:21-24). The husband, in turn, wants input from his wife, rather than making decisions unilaterally.
7. One of the big differences typically found between a husband and wife is how each is to love the other. A wife needs and desires her husband to love her in a way that she feels secure (1 Cor. 16:13-14; Eph. 5:33; 1 Pet. 3:7). Failure on the part of the husband to remember this can lead to a great deal of frustration on the part of the wife, which, when expressed to the husband, leads to frustration on his part—as well as a greater inability to make her feel secure. Husbands need to be respected (Eph. 5:33). When wives feel insecure, they tend to lose respect and when husbands are disrespected, they tend to do a worse job of providing secure love.
8. They are different in their approaches to parenting, as we have already seen in 1 Thes. 2:7-8, 11. They must navigate these differences. Here is a place in which the husband must take leadership to walk through these differences graciously, listening to his wife and her concerns before reaching decisions (Prov. 18:13) and communicating his concerns about the situation in a way that puts her and the children ahead of himself. He remembers that how he communicates is as important as what he communicates (1 Cor. 16:13-14).
9. Finally, aside from their different sex, they will be different in some areas of specialization in the relationship and home. In many marriages the wife specializes in cooking more than the husband. However, there are also many where this is reversed. In many marriages the husband specializes in the direct management of the finances. However, in many this is reversed. To give a personal example, my wife enjoys and specializes in all bookkeeping and accounting. At the same time, I am the one who washes the windows and does the vacuuming. Couples who work through these areas of specialization and come to at least a reasonable level of contentment in them will tend to have less conflict than if they do not.
May God give you joy in the ways that husbands and wives are the same and different, and in all of this, they mirror the gospel of Jesus Christ!
Enjoying The Similarities And Differences With You As Your Joyful Pastor,
Tom
