Help Her Flourish

There are very few biblical teachings that are vilified any more than that husbands are called to lead their wives and families. For many it wreaks of harshness and seems to be so old-fashioned. This take on it also seems to make even husbands themselves feel like there is something wrong with providing leadership in their marriage. And so, they draw back from it. 

 

Husband, if this describes some of the struggle you have in being the “head” of your wife, I want to put you at ease. This will happen through what should be the very first purpose in how you lead your wife. You should lead her in such a way that you help her flourish. In other words, lead her in such a way that she grows luxuriantly, finds success in how God wants her to live and to serve Him, all so that she prospers to His glory. If this is your priority with her and you lead her toward that goal, there will be nothing harsh in your headship. 

 

So what I want to do in the rest of the post is to make the case biblically for this being your priority toward your wife. 

 

First, we know this to be true because when God first created man and woman, He revealed that He created them in His image, with authority in the world to be His vice regents, to fill the world with God-worshipers, and to help the world and all in it flourish for God’s glory and their joy (Gen. 1:26-28; Psalm 8). This includes how husbands and wives treat each other. What is more, we need to see that this command to help each other and others flourish, a command from the very beginning of time and creation, stands above all other commands and commissions, including God’s wise revelation that husbands are the head of their wives. We can never think of the husband’s responsibility toward his wife apart from this Creation Mandate. 

 

Next, we discover that since we are created in the image of God, to resemble, represent, and to reflect Him and His glory (Gen. 1:26-28; Psalm 8) and since God ordered creation as seen in Genesis 1:1-31 so that it was very good and so it provided an abundance of resources and gifts to enable humans, other living creatures, and the world itself to flourish, it follows that one of the ways we glorify God is by helping others flourish. This is heightened when we remember that God is the King of kings and we are only his vice-regents, and so if God leads and governs in such a way that we will flourish (and He does! See Rom. 8:28), then we must lead in that same way. 

 

What is more, since God is the one who is the source of life (Gen. 2:7), “the fountain of living waters” (Jer. 2:13), and the “begetter” (1 John 5:1), He who has always lived and existed, is by His very nature a giver of life and vibrancy. Since this is true and since God leads in this way, and we are created in His image, husbands, we also must lead in a way that increases the life and vibrancy of our wife. 

 

Additionally, we also discover that since God’s image (twisted but not lost due to sin) is being renewed in us and this means we are becoming more like Jesus Christ (Rom. 8:29; 2 Cor. 3:18) and since Jesus came that we may have life and have it more abundantly (John 10:10), it also follows, husband, that your goal toward your wife is not only to make sure she has true life, but also that her life is abundant and thriving. 

 

This leads to many applications, but here are a few to stimulate your thinking.

 

1. As Jesus came not to be served but to serve and to give His life a ransom for many (Matt. 20:28)—and this is to provide a model for Christian leadership (Matt. 20:20-28)—we should approach our leadership of our wife as a servant. You must be the first one in your family to sacrifice, if needed. You should remember that you are to have the same way of thinking toward your wife that Jesus Christ did in His humble, sacrificial love for us (Philippians 2:5-8)

 

2. We discover in Scripture that true lasting happiness arises when we are living underneath the rule of our King (Matt. 5:3-10), that is, we hear and guard His Word so as to obey Him (Luke 11:28). This means we are leading our wife in a way that prays for, talks with her about, and encourages her in her relationship with her Lord and Savior. Since this includes using her spiritual gifts to serve the Lord and others to His glory (1 Peter 4:10-11), you do all you can for her to flourish in successfully using her gifts (1 Cor. 12). 

 

3. We listen to what she says about her needs, desires, and what makes her happy, and we ask for her input in how you as a couple and you as a family operate (Prov. 18:13). We realize listening is a form of love and is necessary in her flourishing. 

 

4. As Paul teaches in Ephesians 5:25-27, a key way for husbands to serve as head to his wife is to love her as Christ loved the church. There is no more important and powerful way of helping her flourish. This is so important that we will look at it in our next post. 

 

Joyously Leading Like Christ As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

The Silence Of Adam

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It is just four words in the English Standard Version translation of a phrase in Genesis 3:6 and only one word in the original Hebrew: “...who was with her....” It seems innocuous enough at first glance. And yet, it is a powerful and revealing statement. I will explain.

In the larger context of Genesis and the rest of Scripture, it is clear that Adam was given a role in which he is to lead, protect, and help his wife to flourish. Consider:

• He was placed in a garden, in part, in order to “keep” it, which implies protecting it and those in it (Gen. 2:15).

 

• The woman was an equally prominent helper for Adam (Gen. 2:18), which not only means they were equal in value and significance, but also had different roles.

 

• Regarding these different roles, the fact that God created humans as male and female and then gave to them the general label of “man” (cf. Gen. 1:27; 5:1-2), strongly implies that the man had a leadership role to the woman and representative role for both before God. 

 

• In Ephesians 5:32 Paul affirms that from the very beginning of time God designed marriage in such a way that it provides a picture of the gospel, i.e. Jesus Christ and the Church. As a result, the husband is the “head” of the wife (Eph. 5:23: “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.”). The word translated, “head” (kephalē) in that passage has been thoroughly studied in all its uses in the New Testament, the Greek translation of the Old Testament, and in the non-biblical literature of that time period, and it has been found that it speaks of authority and a sense of leadership. 

 

So, from the very beginning, the husband was to lead and protect his wife in a way in which she flourishes. This is the very opposite of standing by while she is tempted to disobey God and His wise ways, remaining silent, and not even trying to turn her away from a destructive and death-producing decision! 

 

It should also be noticed that rather than leading and fighting to protect her, he relinquished his leadership and followed her into sin. 

 

Husbands, God not only designed you to have a strong heart to make a difference in the world around you, as part of that, He gave you the responsibility to lead in your marriage. This is how marriages and families work best. 

 

Does this mean that husbands have more rights than wives? No!  It is more about responsibility. One pastor teaching on this subject explained that if a married couple is having problems and Jesus showed up at their house to help them, and the wife answers the door, Jesus would say, “___ (wife), Hi, it is good to see you. I want to talk to you a little later. But first, I want to visit with ___ (husband).” In other words, the husband has an even greater responsibility to set the Christ-like, God-glorifying, Spirit-led direction of the marriage. But of course, the wife is also a significant part of this as well!

 

In our next article we will see how the husband is to lead. For now, husbands need to hear, “Don’t be silent and passive like Adam!” This is something that tempts all men. Instead, we should follow the teaching of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 16:13-14, applying it to our marriage: “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.”

 

Joyously Following God’s Wisdom With You As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

A Shot In The Arm

The Cambridge Dictionary (on-line) explains the meaning of this idiom this way: “Something that has a sudden and positive effect...providing encouragement and new activity.” In this fifth post in which I am seeking to help strengthen marriages, I want to provide a shot in the arm for husbands and wives with this admonition. Nothing will have a greater positive effect that also provides encouragement than remembering that marriage is a covenant (Genesis 2:24; Malachi 2:14). In other words, it is a solemn bond and agreement between a husband and a wife, made before God and other witnesses, which means each spouse should remain faithful to the vows they made when there were married. 

 

Remembering and living out this covenant will bring at least the following seven benefits to your marriage.

 

1. It will help you remember the importance of your marriage to fulfilling the theological purpose that stands behind it of imaging God’s covenant with us, including the relationship of Christ with His bride (Malachi 2:14; Ephesians 5:32). 

 

2. It will remind you that one of the most important responsibilities and joys you have in your marriage is for you to carry out the vows you made to your spouse and for you to maintain and pursue peace with them (Gen. 2:24; Malachi 2:14-16; Matthew 19:3-9; Romans 12:18).

 

3. It will keep before you the key to loving and remaining faithful to your spouse when it is hard, to remember that you keep your covenant because God, through Christ, has made covenant with you and thus committed Himself to empower you with all you need to carry out His will, including His will in your marriage (Leviticus 26:12; Jeremiah 31:31-34; Ezekiel 36:25-27; Luke 22:20; 2 Corinthians 9:8).

 

4. Related to the previous point, God has committed Himself to be with you, to be your God, and for you to be part of his people (Leviticus 26:12), through Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 1:20). 

 

5. Related to the previous two points, it relieves you from thinking that you carry on your shoulders the weight of the marriage and its health. We love, relate to our spouse, and remain faithful to Christ in our marriage by His grace (2 Cor. 9:8).

 

6. It provides the resolve to pursue peace and work things out in your marriage, rather than pursuing divorce, since you vowed to do so to your spouse, to witnesses who were present at your wedding, and most importantly, before God (Gen. 2:24; Ecclesiastes 5:4-5; Malachi 2:14-16; Matthew 19:3-9).

 

7. It nudges you to think more deeply about all relationships, since all godly relationships are covenantal in nature and so we should also commit to our children to remain faithful in our marriage since it also benefits them by your carrying out to them commitments in your marriage you should have to them (John 13:34-35; Galatians 5:6; 6:1-2, 10; 1 Thessalonians 5:15; Hebrews 3:12-14). 

 

So, by Christ’s grace, remain faithful to the covenant of marriage and enjoy the outcomes! 

 

Joyously Keeping Covenant With You As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

Help Your Spouse Flourish

Whenever Christians talk about the Bible’s teaching on marriage, we almost always go to the different roles for wives and husbands. This, then, causes discomfort: Wives struggle with the idea of submitting and husbands often with the idea of leading in the home.

 

Yet, what if we had a different starting point? What if we first focus on the Creation Mandate from Genesis 1:28? “And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’” As we have been learning in Sunday morning sermons, the verb, “subdue,” speaks of organizing and bringing into order so that the world, living creatures, and especially the God-imaging worshipers (humans) who are filling the world are flourishing and experiencing God’s true and abundant life. This mandate applies to how husbands and wives relate to each other. So, what if our starting point is that we want to help our spouse flourish? 

 

What would it involve to help your spouse flourish?

 

1. Love and respect them (Eph. 5:1-2, 25, 32; Col. 3:14; 1 Peter 4:8).

 

2. Make it your goal that they grow in their relationship with Jesus Christ through drawing closer to Him as they practice the habits of grace, and pray for them to this end (Acts 2:42-47; Eph. 5:25-27; 6:10-19; James 5:16). Occasionally share with each other how you are doing in your walk with Christ.

 

3. Pray for them and look for ways to make sure that they have ample opportunities to serve the Lord and others through their spiritual gifts, to the glory of the Lord (1 Peter 4:10-11). 

 

4. Glorify the Lord Jesus Christ through bearing with them and forgiving them as needed (Col. 3:13, 17).

 

5. Glorify the Lord Jesus Christ through letting the Word of Christ dwell in you richly (Col. 3:16) and then relating to your spouse out of what wisdom (3:18-19). 

 

6. Learn to listen to your spouse before you respond and/or make statements to them. This is part of our wisdom and love toward them (Prov. 18:13).

 

7. When it comes to the different roles husbands and wives have, view them and approach those roles as first and foremost helping them to flourish. It is part of our Christ-like love toward one another. 

 

Jesus Christ is the ultimate model of one who made it his goal to help His bride flourish. He came that we may have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10). Since our marriage is to mirror and honor the relationship of the ultimate Bridegroom with His bride, set your priority in marriage to be that your spouse flourishes to the glory of God!

 

Joyously Helping Spouses Flourish As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

The Same And Different

A very common reason behind why married couples struggle significantly is because they misunderstand in what ways they are the same and in what ways they are different. Here is some biblical wisdom for how to solve this. 

 

1. We must realize husbands and wives (males and females) are equally created in the image of God (Gen. 1:26-27; 2:18) and so are equally significant in God’s eyes. When a person has more strength, greater empathy, a greater intelligence, or a more visible set of gifts than someone else, this does not threaten this reality. Since this is true, when a husband and wife are both Christians, they are coheirs or fellow heirs of the grace of life (1 Peter 3:7, CSB, NASB).

 

2. We must remember that husbands and wives are equally significant when it comes to serving the Lord and His body. Both are to use their spiritual gifts to serve the Lord and fellow Christians, as good stewards of God’s varied grace (1 Corinthians 12:4-12; 1 Peter 4:10).

 

3. They are equal in each being essential to the marriage and family. Of course, both husband and wife are necessary biologically for a child to be born. Each, however, in some of the differences they bring to the marriage and family—the gentle, affectionate, caring, sensitive way of a typical mother (1 Thes. 2:7-8) and the challenging, boundary-pushing, stretching way of a typical father—is needed to provide a full-orbed, godly atmosphere to the home. 

 

4. Husbands and wives each have the same ultimate purposes toward each other, which include helping each other to flourish (Gen. 1:26-28) and thus loving each other in a Christ-like manner (Matt. 22;37-40; Eph. 5:1-2).  

 

Yet, there are also many differences we must keep before us for a marriage to function to its fullest. 

 

5. Husbands and wives are well-served in facing the reality that there is a difference in strength between husbands and wives (1 Peter 3:7). On the one hand, this is why the history of the world is one in which women have been abused and taken advantage of in horrible ways. On the other hand, it provides the husband the opportunity to use that greater strength in a courageous way to provide for, defend, and to protect his bride, thus showing how the infinitely powerful One humbled Himself to love, serve, and save His bride (1 Cor. 16:13-14; Eph. 5:25-27; 1 Pet. 3:7). It also motivates wives to love their husbands sacrificially by continuing to respect them, even when the husband is not as sensitive or understanding as the wife thinks they should be (Eph. 5:33). 

 

6. Given what we saw in the previous number, husbands and wives must remember they have different roles. The husband is the head of the wife, which means he has a leadership role in the marriage and in the family (Gen. 2:18; 5:1-2; Eph. 5:23). Yet, the way one leads in a Christ-like way is to do so sacrificially (Eph. 5:25), as a servant (Mt. 20:28), even though there is still a call to set the direction and priorities (Eph. 5:25-27; 6:4). Understood in the light of all of Scripture, the husband is to love and lead his wife in a way that she flourishes in all of life, yes, in all her walk with Christ (Gen. 1:26-28; Eph. 5:25-27). The wife, even though she will have superior gifts and skills in some areas than her husband, she remembers they have different roles, and she must support and encourage her husband in his leadership. She, therefore, places herself under his leadership (Eph. 5:21-24). The husband, in turn, wants input from his wife, rather than making decisions unilaterally. 

 

7. One of the big differences typically found between a husband and wife is how each is to love the other. A wife needs and desires her husband to love her in a way that she feels secure (1 Cor. 16:13-14; Eph. 5:33; 1 Pet. 3:7). Failure on the part of the husband to remember this can lead to a great deal of frustration on the part of the wife, which, when expressed to the husband, leads to frustration on his part—as well as a greater inability to make her feel secure. Husbands need to be respected (Eph. 5:33). When wives feel insecure, they tend to lose respect and when husbands are disrespected, they tend to do a worse job of providing secure love. 

 

8. They are different in their approaches to parenting, as we have already seen in 1 Thes. 2:7-8, 11. They must navigate these differences. Here is a place in which the husband must take leadership to walk through these differences graciously, listening to his wife and her concerns before reaching decisions (Prov. 18:13) and communicating his concerns about the situation in a way that puts her and the children ahead of himself. He remembers that how he communicates is as important as what he communicates (1 Cor. 16:13-14). 

 

9. Finally, aside from their different sex, they will be different in some areas of specialization in the relationship and home. In many marriages the wife specializes in cooking more than the husband. However, there are also many where this is reversed. In many marriages the husband specializes in the direct management of the finances. However, in many this is reversed. To give a personal example, my wife enjoys and specializes in all bookkeeping and accounting. At the same time, I am the one who washes the windows and does the vacuuming. Couples who work through these areas of specialization and come to at least a reasonable level of contentment in them will tend to have less conflict than if they do not. 

 

May God give you joy in the ways that husbands and wives are the same and different, and in all of this, they mirror the gospel of Jesus Christ!

 

Enjoying The Similarities And Differences With You As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

Marriage: Gospel Picture"

In 2 Corinthians 5:15 Paul gives to us a powerful and convicting overview of the change that takes place in those who have been born again, who have trusted Jesus Christ as Savior: “...and He [Christ] died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who for their sake died and was raised.” Simply put, Paul writes that there has been a great exchange. Before coming to Christ, persons “live for themselves,” yet, after coming to Christ, they live “for Him who, for their sake, died and was raised.” 

 

Perhaps the difficulty of this by-passes us until we apply it to the closest of relationships: Marriage. The closer a person is to us the more we hurt them and they hurt us. The last part of this reality provides unmatched difficulty to relate in a way that puts Jesus Christ and His will first. That moral will commands us to a humble putting of our spouse before self, to consider their needs as more important than our own, to bear with them, to forgive them, to respect them, and to love them as Christ has loved us (Eph. 5:1-2, 21-33; Phil. 2:5-11; Col. 3:12-19). Yet, over the course of time, as life happens, kids come along, we get busy, and are often exhausted, we have many days we just can’t find the inspiration to love them in this way. So, where do we find the motivation? 

 

One important answer to that question is that we consider the importance of the message of marriage to our children, our church, our community, our nation, to the world, and to the future. This is found in what God designed marriage to do from the beginning, which is what Paul meant in Ephesians 5:32, when, after speaking of how husbands and wives are to relate in marriage, he wrote: “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” What are some of the truths most important to remember?

 

To Start, just as Jesus was empowered and directed by the Holy Spirit in His mission to love, save, and transform His bride (Isaiah 11:2; 61:1-2; Luke 4:1, 18), so husbands and wives are to be filled with the Spirit (Eph. 5:18) that they might submit to one another (Eph. 5:21), which will include wives encouraging and following the servant leadership of their husband (Eph. 5:22-24) and husbands leading by loving their wife sacrificially as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25-27). This means that marriage will be best approached when a person is truly a Christian, indwelt and empowered by the Spirit (Rom. 8:9; Titus 3:5-6), and as they trust in the Spirit to work out in them the person, power, presence, and work of Christ that they might love and serve their spouse like Christ (2 Cor. 3:18; Eph. 5:1-2). 

 

Additionally, on those days when you are tempted to give up, throw in the towel, and conclude you deserve to lash back at your spouse, remember that how you respond will either give an illustration of how Jesus Christ and the church beautifully relate to one other or you will communicate to others that there may just not be anything different in Christianity from any other faith system. 

 

Finally, remember that your marriage is bigger than you and your spouse, bigger than whether or not you can be comfortably and easily happy in it, and whether or not your own expectations are met. 

 

There are many ways that a husband and wife can serve Christ and carry out the mission He gives to us. None are more important than giving a picture of the gospel of Jesus Christ in their marriage.

 

Be encouraged, delighted in, and motivated by that purpose!

 

Delighting In Marriage’s Gospel Picture With You As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

Happy Marriage

In Psalm 1 we read that, “Blessedly happy is the man...[whose] delight in in the Law of the LORD.” Similarly, Jesus said in Luke 11:28, “Blessedly happy...are those who hear the word of God and keep it.” To trust in and obey the true God is the most rewarding and joyful life possible. Since this is the case, when husbands and wives relate to one another in ways that please our Lord, this leads to the happiest of marriages. 

 

Because this is the case, in my next several posts I want to cover what the Bible has to say about how husbands and wives are to relate to one another. The topics I will cover over the next few weeks are these:

1. Remember your marriage gives a picture of the gospel, of Christ and the Church. 

 

2. Keep in mind that you and your spouse are equal but diverse. 

 

3. Rejoice in the reality that you are called by God to help your spouse flourish.

 

4. Never forget that your marriage is a covenant. 

 

5. Husbands, don’t ignore that you are the head of your wife. 

 

6. Husbands, pursue headship as a Christ-like servant-leader who helps your wife flourish.

 

7. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. 

 

8. Husbands, treat your wife as a weaker vessel and fellow heir of the grace of life. 

 

9. Wives, don’t avoid your Christ-like mission to follow your husband’s headship. 

 

8. Wives, delight in your mission to help your husband flourish. 

 

9. Wives, respect your husbands. 

 

10. Wives, win your husbands by your actions.

 

11. Avoid the blame and resentment “game.”

 

Stay tuned for these articles and ask the Lord to work in the marriages of our own church in ways that would bless us all and magnify Jesus Christ. 

 

Pursuing Happy Marriage With You,

Tom