Help Your Spouse Flourish

Whenever Christians talk about the Bible’s teaching on marriage, we almost always go to the different roles for wives and husbands. This, then, causes discomfort: Wives struggle with the idea of submitting and husbands often with the idea of leading in the home.

 

Yet, what if we had a different starting point? What if we first focus on the Creation Mandate from Genesis 1:28? “And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’” As we have been learning in Sunday morning sermons, the verb, “subdue,” speaks of organizing and bringing into order so that the world, living creatures, and especially the God-imaging worshipers (humans) who are filling the world are flourishing and experiencing God’s true and abundant life. This mandate applies to how husbands and wives relate to each other. So, what if our starting point is that we want to help our spouse flourish? 

 

What would it involve to help your spouse flourish?

 

1. Love and respect them (Eph. 5:1-2, 25, 32; Col. 3:14; 1 Peter 4:8).

 

2. Make it your goal that they grow in their relationship with Jesus Christ through drawing closer to Him as they practice the habits of grace, and pray for them to this end (Acts 2:42-47; Eph. 5:25-27; 6:10-19; James 5:16). Occasionally share with each other how you are doing in your walk with Christ.

 

3. Pray for them and look for ways to make sure that they have ample opportunities to serve the Lord and others through their spiritual gifts, to the glory of the Lord (1 Peter 4:10-11). 

 

4. Glorify the Lord Jesus Christ through bearing with them and forgiving them as needed (Col. 3:13, 17).

 

5. Glorify the Lord Jesus Christ through letting the Word of Christ dwell in you richly (Col. 3:16) and then relating to your spouse out of what wisdom (3:18-19). 

 

6. Learn to listen to your spouse before you respond and/or make statements to them. This is part of our wisdom and love toward them (Prov. 18:13).

 

7. When it comes to the different roles husbands and wives have, view them and approach those roles as first and foremost helping them to flourish. It is part of our Christ-like love toward one another. 

 

Jesus Christ is the ultimate model of one who made it his goal to help His bride flourish. He came that we may have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10). Since our marriage is to mirror and honor the relationship of the ultimate Bridegroom with His bride, set your priority in marriage to be that your spouse flourishes to the glory of God!

 

Joyously Helping Spouses Flourish As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

The Same And Different

A very common reason behind why married couples struggle significantly is because they misunderstand in what ways they are the same and in what ways they are different. Here is some biblical wisdom for how to solve this. 

 

1. We must realize husbands and wives (males and females) are equally created in the image of God (Gen. 1:26-27; 2:18) and so are equally significant in God’s eyes. When a person has more strength, greater empathy, a greater intelligence, or a more visible set of gifts than someone else, this does not threaten this reality. Since this is true, when a husband and wife are both Christians, they are coheirs or fellow heirs of the grace of life (1 Peter 3:7, CSB, NASB).

 

2. We must remember that husbands and wives are equally significant when it comes to serving the Lord and His body. Both are to use their spiritual gifts to serve the Lord and fellow Christians, as good stewards of God’s varied grace (1 Corinthians 12:4-12; 1 Peter 4:10).

 

3. They are equal in each being essential to the marriage and family. Of course, both husband and wife are necessary biologically for a child to be born. Each, however, in some of the differences they bring to the marriage and family—the gentle, affectionate, caring, sensitive way of a typical mother (1 Thes. 2:7-8) and the challenging, boundary-pushing, stretching way of a typical father—is needed to provide a full-orbed, godly atmosphere to the home. 

 

4. Husbands and wives each have the same ultimate purposes toward each other, which include helping each other to flourish (Gen. 1:26-28) and thus loving each other in a Christ-like manner (Matt. 22;37-40; Eph. 5:1-2).  

 

Yet, there are also many differences we must keep before us for a marriage to function to its fullest. 

 

5. Husbands and wives are well-served in facing the reality that there is a difference in strength between husbands and wives (1 Peter 3:7). On the one hand, this is why the history of the world is one in which women have been abused and taken advantage of in horrible ways. On the other hand, it provides the husband the opportunity to use that greater strength in a courageous way to provide for, defend, and to protect his bride, thus showing how the infinitely powerful One humbled Himself to love, serve, and save His bride (1 Cor. 16:13-14; Eph. 5:25-27; 1 Pet. 3:7). It also motivates wives to love their husbands sacrificially by continuing to respect them, even when the husband is not as sensitive or understanding as the wife thinks they should be (Eph. 5:33). 

 

6. Given what we saw in the previous number, husbands and wives must remember they have different roles. The husband is the head of the wife, which means he has a leadership role in the marriage and in the family (Gen. 2:18; 5:1-2; Eph. 5:23). Yet, the way one leads in a Christ-like way is to do so sacrificially (Eph. 5:25), as a servant (Mt. 20:28), even though there is still a call to set the direction and priorities (Eph. 5:25-27; 6:4). Understood in the light of all of Scripture, the husband is to love and lead his wife in a way that she flourishes in all of life, yes, in all her walk with Christ (Gen. 1:26-28; Eph. 5:25-27). The wife, even though she will have superior gifts and skills in some areas than her husband, she remembers they have different roles, and she must support and encourage her husband in his leadership. She, therefore, places herself under his leadership (Eph. 5:21-24). The husband, in turn, wants input from his wife, rather than making decisions unilaterally. 

 

7. One of the big differences typically found between a husband and wife is how each is to love the other. A wife needs and desires her husband to love her in a way that she feels secure (1 Cor. 16:13-14; Eph. 5:33; 1 Pet. 3:7). Failure on the part of the husband to remember this can lead to a great deal of frustration on the part of the wife, which, when expressed to the husband, leads to frustration on his part—as well as a greater inability to make her feel secure. Husbands need to be respected (Eph. 5:33). When wives feel insecure, they tend to lose respect and when husbands are disrespected, they tend to do a worse job of providing secure love. 

 

8. They are different in their approaches to parenting, as we have already seen in 1 Thes. 2:7-8, 11. They must navigate these differences. Here is a place in which the husband must take leadership to walk through these differences graciously, listening to his wife and her concerns before reaching decisions (Prov. 18:13) and communicating his concerns about the situation in a way that puts her and the children ahead of himself. He remembers that how he communicates is as important as what he communicates (1 Cor. 16:13-14). 

 

9. Finally, aside from their different sex, they will be different in some areas of specialization in the relationship and home. In many marriages the wife specializes in cooking more than the husband. However, there are also many where this is reversed. In many marriages the husband specializes in the direct management of the finances. However, in many this is reversed. To give a personal example, my wife enjoys and specializes in all bookkeeping and accounting. At the same time, I am the one who washes the windows and does the vacuuming. Couples who work through these areas of specialization and come to at least a reasonable level of contentment in them will tend to have less conflict than if they do not. 

 

May God give you joy in the ways that husbands and wives are the same and different, and in all of this, they mirror the gospel of Jesus Christ!

 

Enjoying The Similarities And Differences With You As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

Marriage: Gospel Picture"

In 2 Corinthians 5:15 Paul gives to us a powerful and convicting overview of the change that takes place in those who have been born again, who have trusted Jesus Christ as Savior: “...and He [Christ] died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who for their sake died and was raised.” Simply put, Paul writes that there has been a great exchange. Before coming to Christ, persons “live for themselves,” yet, after coming to Christ, they live “for Him who, for their sake, died and was raised.” 

 

Perhaps the difficulty of this by-passes us until we apply it to the closest of relationships: Marriage. The closer a person is to us the more we hurt them and they hurt us. The last part of this reality provides unmatched difficulty to relate in a way that puts Jesus Christ and His will first. That moral will commands us to a humble putting of our spouse before self, to consider their needs as more important than our own, to bear with them, to forgive them, to respect them, and to love them as Christ has loved us (Eph. 5:1-2, 21-33; Phil. 2:5-11; Col. 3:12-19). Yet, over the course of time, as life happens, kids come along, we get busy, and are often exhausted, we have many days we just can’t find the inspiration to love them in this way. So, where do we find the motivation? 

 

One important answer to that question is that we consider the importance of the message of marriage to our children, our church, our community, our nation, to the world, and to the future. This is found in what God designed marriage to do from the beginning, which is what Paul meant in Ephesians 5:32, when, after speaking of how husbands and wives are to relate in marriage, he wrote: “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” What are some of the truths most important to remember?

 

To Start, just as Jesus was empowered and directed by the Holy Spirit in His mission to love, save, and transform His bride (Isaiah 11:2; 61:1-2; Luke 4:1, 18), so husbands and wives are to be filled with the Spirit (Eph. 5:18) that they might submit to one another (Eph. 5:21), which will include wives encouraging and following the servant leadership of their husband (Eph. 5:22-24) and husbands leading by loving their wife sacrificially as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25-27). This means that marriage will be best approached when a person is truly a Christian, indwelt and empowered by the Spirit (Rom. 8:9; Titus 3:5-6), and as they trust in the Spirit to work out in them the person, power, presence, and work of Christ that they might love and serve their spouse like Christ (2 Cor. 3:18; Eph. 5:1-2). 

 

Additionally, on those days when you are tempted to give up, throw in the towel, and conclude you deserve to lash back at your spouse, remember that how you respond will either give an illustration of how Jesus Christ and the church beautifully relate to one other or you will communicate to others that there may just not be anything different in Christianity from any other faith system. 

 

Finally, remember that your marriage is bigger than you and your spouse, bigger than whether or not you can be comfortably and easily happy in it, and whether or not your own expectations are met. 

 

There are many ways that a husband and wife can serve Christ and carry out the mission He gives to us. None are more important than giving a picture of the gospel of Jesus Christ in their marriage.

 

Be encouraged, delighted in, and motivated by that purpose!

 

Delighting In Marriage’s Gospel Picture With You As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

Happy Marriage

In Psalm 1 we read that, “Blessedly happy is the man...[whose] delight in in the Law of the LORD.” Similarly, Jesus said in Luke 11:28, “Blessedly happy...are those who hear the word of God and keep it.” To trust in and obey the true God is the most rewarding and joyful life possible. Since this is the case, when husbands and wives relate to one another in ways that please our Lord, this leads to the happiest of marriages. 

 

Because this is the case, in my next several posts I want to cover what the Bible has to say about how husbands and wives are to relate to one another. The topics I will cover over the next few weeks are these:

1. Remember your marriage gives a picture of the gospel, of Christ and the Church. 

 

2. Keep in mind that you and your spouse are equal but diverse. 

 

3. Rejoice in the reality that you are called by God to help your spouse flourish.

 

4. Never forget that your marriage is a covenant. 

 

5. Husbands, don’t ignore that you are the head of your wife. 

 

6. Husbands, pursue headship as a Christ-like servant-leader who helps your wife flourish.

 

7. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. 

 

8. Husbands, treat your wife as a weaker vessel and fellow heir of the grace of life. 

 

9. Wives, don’t avoid your Christ-like mission to follow your husband’s headship. 

 

8. Wives, delight in your mission to help your husband flourish. 

 

9. Wives, respect your husbands. 

 

10. Wives, win your husbands by your actions.

 

11. Avoid the blame and resentment “game.”

 

Stay tuned for these articles and ask the Lord to work in the marriages of our own church in ways that would bless us all and magnify Jesus Christ. 

 

Pursuing Happy Marriage With You,

Tom

Just War Theory

Given the current U.S. military operation in Iran, I thought it would be good for us briefly to set forth the “Just War Theory.” My goal in doing this is to provide us all with a framework for evaluating war and military operations without stating a conclusion on this current operation. As you will see in what follows, this provides helpful direction for evaluating potential for war or how a war is carried out, but it does not provide an easy framework that removes all difficulty. I have benefited from this for years and I hope you will also. 

 

Though this post was written and received its final form by me, I was aided by AI in bringing together the parts of the article.

 

The Just War theory is a moral framework used by theologians and ethicists to determine when it is permissible to go to war and how it should be conducted. It is rooted in the Judeo-Christian idea that taking human life without just cause is sin, but that governments have a duty to defend justice and their citizens, which means war is sometimes necessary. Romans 13:1-4 reads: 

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. 2 Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. 3 For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, 4 for he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer. (emphasis added)

 

There are mainly two aspects to the theory:  Justice in going to war; and justice during war. 

 

Justice In Going To War

Before a war can be considered "just," it must meet several requirements: 

 

• It must be a just cause: The war must be for a morally upright reason, such as self-defense, protecting the innocent from aggression, or restoring justice.

 

• It must be executed under legitimate authority: Only duly constituted public authorities (like a sovereign government) have the right to declare war.

 

• It must have a right intention: The ultimate goal must be the restoration of peace, not conquest, revenge, or economic gain.

 

• It must be a last resort: All non-violent options—such as diplomacy or sanctions—must have been exhausted before force is used.

 

• There must be a probability of success: Military action should not be taken if there is no reasonable chance of achieving its goals, to avoid pointless loss of life.

 

• There must be proportionality of ends: The expected good results of the war must outweigh the potential destruction and evil it will cause.

 

Justice During War

Once a war has begun, it must be fought ethically: 

• There must be distinction, that is, noncombatant immunity: Military forces must distinguish between combatants and innocent civilians; civilians must never be intentional targets.

 

• There must be proportionality in regard to means: The amount of force used must be limited to what is strictly necessary to achieve victory, avoiding excessive or cruel destruction.

 

• Military Necessity must be practiced: Attacks must be directed toward legitimate military targets to help defeat the enemy.

 

Joyfully Seeking to Apply the Bible To All of Life With You,

 

Tom

"Listening To Sermons"

Since I was on sabbatical this past summer, I had the privilege of sitting under the preaching of the Bible for a significant time. It was a reminder to me that it is not just the preacher who must prepare so the preaching is effective and bears fruit, the hearers must also do some work ahead of time. For your benefit (and that of your children, if you have children), let me share how we can go about this. 

 

There is no better resource for how hearers must carry out that preparation leading up to hearing a sermon than the 90^thquestion and answer in the Westminster Shorter Catechism, which has informed me for years. 

 

Having just made the points that Christ grows and preserves us in our faith through the ordinary means or tools (the habits of grace) God has given, which includes the Bible (reading it and especially hearing it preached), prayer, assembling together as the church, and the gospel truth revealed through baptism and the Lord’s Supper, the question is then asked: “How is the Word to be read and heard that it may become effective for [our preservation in] salvation?”  

 

The answer given is that, “We must give attention to it” in the following ways: 

 

1. “With diligence:” In Proverbs 8:34, where we read of wisdom personified, it says: “Blessed[ly happy] is the one who listens to me, watching daily at my gates, waiting beside my doors.” There is a joy and great benefit that comes to those who daily search out the Scriptures for wisdom in life. When this is the heart habit with which people come to a sermon (they have been searching for wisdom in the Bible all week), they are far more likely to follow the sermon, work at figuring out how it applies to them, follow it to the end, and take it with them. 

 

2. “With...preparation:” The great enemy of our souls seeks to steal away the seeds of the Word implanted through preaching of the Word (Matthew 13:19) and to cause us to doubt God and His promises in His Word (Eph. 6:16). As such, a person needs regularly to put on and take up all the armor of God (Eph. 6:10-18) so they can be ready to hear what the Spirit has to say to them through the Word of God (Rev. 2-3). Especially needed is the shield of faith with which the Christian can extinguish the arrows of doubt the enemy shoots. Finally, we must not miss something as simple as getting a good night of sleep before we assemble together with other Christians to hear God’s Word. 

 

3. “With...prayer:” We not only fight against the enemy of our soul but also our own indwelling sin which causes our minds to wander and sometimes it simply leads persons not to understand or see the importance of preaching. Thus, as we read in Psalm 119:18, we must pray: “Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law.” This is a prayer request I regularly pray in both reading and hearing the Bible. 

 

Additionally, the catechism reminds us that we must: 

 

1. “Receive [the preaching of the Word] with faith and love:” Psalm 119:111 uncovers the heart attitude that prepares us for hearing God’s word in a way we delight in it and expect it to benefit us: “Your testimonies are my heritage forever, for they are the joy of my heart.” We should note also that one shaped and grown by the Word is far more likely to have faith that God is a rewarder of one who seeks Him (Heb. 11:6). 

 

2. “Treasure it up in our hearts:” We must not overlook or forget the words Jesus spoke (Luke 11:28): “Blessedly happy...are those who hear the Word of God and guard it so as to keep it.” We understand that true, lasting happiness, as well as blessedly happy and flourishing life come from delighting in and following God’s Word (Psalm 1). In light of this, we delight in God’s Word (Psalm 112:1-2) and memorize Scripture so that we always have it with us and so we follow God (Psalm 119:11). Such persons have much greater ability to understand Bible preaching and teaching whenever they hear it. 

 

3. “Practice it in our lives:” As doers of the Word (James 1:21-25) a greater hunger for God is grown in us, which leads to even greater love of God’s Word (see Psalms 111-112) and for God Himself, and a greater hunger for doing God’s Word. 

 

May we learn to treasure the Word of God in all forms, including hearing it preached, as we remember the words of Proverbs 13:13: “Whoever despises the word brings destruction on himself, but he who reveres the commandment will be rewarded.”

 Joyfully Listening With You,

 

Tom

The Tribulation, Part 5

In this final post I will look at the significance behind the reality the tribulation spans the entire New Testament Church age. 

 

Some of you might think, “Tom, why does this really matter? After all, as long as we know Jesus is returning, that is the main thing!” There is some truth to that statement. However, for some people, especially Americans who have experienced a significant level of wealth and comfort in a reasonably friendly environment over the past sixty to seventy years, it has been easy to conclude, “God would surely not let us go through the kind of suffering we read of connected to tribulational texts in particular and Revelation 6-20 in general.” This thinking has been the soil in which another conviction has been planted and grown, namely that if we are engaging in fruitful and effective ministry, we will have positive results almost always, and people (including the world) will like us since we are being loving and positive in our approach. 

 

Now, what this thinking does is to skew the church in an imbalanced direction when it comes to setting out our ministry approach and philosophy. We believe we need to be so positive that all we can do is speak of God’s love, his redemption of our brokenness, and we can never (or rarely) speak of judgment, sin, church discipline, the need for correction, the need to avoid idolatry, or the need to oppose false teaching. So, on the one hand, we avoid conflict and being at odds with others. And, on the other hand, if we find that others are opposing us, we decide we need to change our ministry philosophy and approach, because we have not been “successful.” 

 

This culture that the American church has formed has not only led to preaching a different and diluted gospel, it has also led to a weak and anemic church that is little different than unbelievers around us. And for those who have sought to remain faithful to Scripture and the undiluted gospel, it has resulted in a great wrestling match. After all, such persons can often feel they may be wrong and everyone else who remains inordinately positive and encouraging is right.

 

Please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that everyone who believes in a tribulation in the future (be it literally seven years long or not) and/or those who believe the church will be removed before it, falls prey to this. They don’t. I am simply saying it has contributed to the formation of a way of thinking that does not appear to square with Scripture. 

 

I believe Christians should be as winsome as we can and think hard about the best ways to teach biblical truth and the undiluted gospel. Yet, the reality is that if we are not sometimes experiencing at least push-back to our teaching and proclamation, we are probably not teaching the right gospel (or at least not the whole gospel). And, as changes take place in our society and in our own community (and they will likely continue to change), the reality of push-back and even persecution for doing the most loving thing in the world—sharing the undiluted gospel so people can know and follow Jesus—will increase. Keep in mind that the most loving and the only sinless, perfect person who ever lived in this world was rejected by most, beaten, ridiculed, and nailed to a cross!  Why do we believe that as we live by, for, and like him it will all be always positive, encouraging, and easy for us? 

 

This is much of what the book of Revelation is about:  How to remain faithful and joyful followers of Jesus, those who live on mission, in the face of the hostile cultures around us. 

 

This is why I have taken the time through these blog posts so we can understand the Tribulation. We need to be aware of the challenges and dangers we face. Yet, we must also be aware of the glorious promises God has made to us as well, so we can face these with courage and boldness. 

 

Living Joyfully, Boldly, And Courageously In Tribulation With You,

 

Tom Barnes