Modesty For The Joy Of Others To God's Glory

How people view the world not only impacts beliefs and behaviors, it also shapes the use of words.  This is why sometimes when I am looking for a definition, it is helpful to step outside our own slice of history and culture to read what Noah Webster wrote in his 1828 dictionary.  Listen to what this Christian scholar said about modesty:

Modesty, as an act or series of acts, consists in humble, unobtrusive deportment, as opposed to extreme boldness, forwardness, arrogance, presumption, audacity or impudence…. In females, modesty has the like character as in males; but the word is used also as synonymous with chastity, or purity of manners. In this sense, modesty results from purity of mind…. Unaffected modesty is the sweetest charm of female excellence, the richest gem in the diadem of their honor.

 

Yes, I know that Webster used terms which we rarely hear.  “Deportment” has to do with how one carries themselves, how they behave, and it includes clothing.  So, what he is saying, in part, is that modesty is not putting your body on display in a bold way which says, “Look at me” and which lacks a pure (or holy) manner of conduct.  In other words, it speaks of not showing or advertising one’s body in such a way that would be inconsistent with God-honoring and people-benefiting ways.

 

Modesty is a timely subject for us since we just finished a sermon series on Genesis 1-3, which dealt with the shame of Adam and Eve over their nakedness. It is a good time to think about what modesty is and why it is important. What I would like to do, then, is offer, from a Christian man’s perspective, why women should exercise modesty in how they dress and how they behave around men.

 

1. In 2000 Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker wrote a book about men’s battle with sexual lust entitled Everyman’s Battle (Waterbrook Press).  Never was there a book more appropriately titled!  Sexual lust is the battle of every man since it comes without the need to be in close relationship with a woman.  It can come by walking down the street, passing a store display, driving past a billboard, or having a woman walk into a room.  Understand, for men, it comes usually by sight.  God made both men and women sexual beings with desires (Gen. 1:28; 2:18, 24; 4:1; 1 Cor. 7:1-5) and in men these desires are aroused strongly by sight (e.g. Proverbs 5:3a, 19; 6:25; 7:10; Song of Solomon 7:6-7).  This is one of the reasons that three whole chapters in the Proverbs (ch’s. 5-7) are given to warning men against giving into such lusts.  The temptations are a possibility not only when a beautiful woman is present, but especially when a woman is dressed and/or behaves immodestly.  This is how the seducing woman operates in those three chapters.  She first lures with her appearance, then she seduces with her motions and words, and finally she captures with touch and embrace.  So, sight is the place we must start.  Women, please understand that you may not understand how your appearance can be so powerful to a man, but trust me, this is the case!

 

2. Women, you have an obligation to men to dress modestly since you know and follow Jesus Christ.  I wish I could convince non-Christian women to dress more modestly since we men will see them as well.  It would make things a lot easier.  However, I have little hope that this kind of conversation would impact them (1 Cor. 5:11-12).  After all, without the Spirit of God, there is no ability to understand fully the truths of God’s Word or to see their importance (1 Cor. 2:14).  Yet, Christian women, you have the Holy Spirit who is changing your life and empowering you with all you need to live a godly, Christ-like life (cf. 2 Cor. 3:18; 2 Peter 1:3-4).  As such, you should hear and pay attention to what the Bible says about modesty.  Not only does it tell you point-blank that you are to adorn yourself with modesty (1 Timothy 2:9), it also explains the loving rationale behind it.  Listen to what Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8:

 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality;  [4] that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor,  [5] not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;  [6] that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you.  [7] For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.  [8] Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. 

 

Could the Bible say it more clearly? God’s will is for us to refrain from sexual sin, that we would be disciplined in our bodies toward this end, that we understand sexually loose behavior is not consistent with Christian behavior, and that when we ignore this principle and commit sexual sin with or toward a fellow Christian, we wrong our brother in this matter.  This is the opposite of loving our fellow believers which is one of the chief marks of a Christian (Matthew 7:12; John 13:34-35; Romans 13:8-10).  Hear what Paul is saying.  If we engage in behavior or dress which causes our brother to sin, we hurt his walk with Christ and we are disregarding God who placed His Spirit in us to change us!  This was all important enough to God that the Father sent the Son to die for us that we might be redeemed and made a people zealous for holy good works (Titus 2:14), which include our dress and how we relate to fellow believers.

 

Women, please ask yourself this question, “Would you place a pornographic picture in front of a Christian man?”  Of course you would not!  You know that would be wrong, it would not be constructive; it may very well cause him to sin.  In the same way, then, do not place your body seductively in front of men.  IT WILL END IN THE SAME RESULT!

 

Since I am a man, I cannot understand the pull that is in you as a woman to be beautiful and to put on display your body (just as you cannot fully understand how sight so impacts men).  Yet, I know that such a pull is within you.  I believe, in its purest form, it is a desire that is God-given and meant for your husband alone.  Yet, in no less a way that men must fight the temptation to look at women, women’s body parts, or pictures of women with lust (all of which are sinful twistings of God-given desires), so also women must fight the battle not to cause their fellow Christian men to struggle by seductively putting themselves on display. 

 

Let me briefly say that you also should be motivated not to put yourself on display before non-Christian men.  You may be one of the pieces in a puzzle of addiction that builds up in their lives which eventually destroys a marriage—or even keeps them from Christ (e.g. Matthew 13:19, 22).

 

3. Sisters in Christ, your desire should be to live and relate such that other believers (including males) will be built up in Christ (1 Thes. 5:11) and for their joy in Christ (2 Cor. 1:24; 2:3).  When you dress immodestly this only tears down and causes sorrow.  It causes sorrow if you get involved in a relationship with someone who responds to your sexual advertisement (this does not draw in the kind of man you truly want for life); it causes sorrow to a man who uses you as an object of his lust--driving a wedge between him and his wife; and it causes sorrow in countless other ways.  This is part of what Proverbs 5-7 drives home over and over again.  The promise of short-turn pleasure leads to long-term loss and heartache!

 

4. Finally and most importantly, sisters in Christ, dress modestly for God’s glory.  In 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 Paul reminds us that we have been united to Christ (and thus do not want to unite ourselves in an illicit relationship since we are also in Him and He in us); that we have been given a body for the purpose of the Lord (to serve and love Him); that our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit of God; and also that we have been bought with the price of the death of the Son of God (that we might live a holy life).  Paul’s concluding challenge arising from all of this is:  “So glorify God in your body”  (6:20).  I take all this to mean what given what God has done for us and given the resources He has given, we all should put God on display, we should magnify His grace and wisdom in us through the most concrete aspect of our being—the proverbial   “where the rubber meets the road”—our body.  Let me ask you this, ladies.  When you dress seductively and advertise your body to men other than your husband, do you believe this puts God’s grace, His love, His holiness on display?  Does it magnify and honor Your Savior who purchased you with the blood of His own (Acts 20:28)?  I believe the answer is self-evident.

 

Women, I will not venture to describe for you in detail what modest dress is. I am sure that there are women in your church who can help with that.  What I do believe, though, is that if you think and pray carefully through these four reasons for modesty, they will go a long way toward helping you not only identify what is godly, Christ-honoring apparel, but they will also keep before you the importance of your modesty.  At least that is my prayer for you and for us men as we spend time around you.

 

Pursuing Holiness With You As A Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

 

 

Learn To Avoid Ugly Distance In Marriage

 

The Bible teacher and author, Paul Tripp, once wrote to married couples: “No one gets to be married to the perfect spouse.” This includes you and your spouse. You are married to a sinner and so is your spouse. This means you will be disappointed, let down, hurt, and sinned against by them, but the same is true of them. Such experiences often lead to great distance between spouses. Yet, if all couples experience this, why do some end up with ugly distance between each other—sometimes separation and divorce—and some work through the sin against each other. How do couples work through this effectively?   

 

In this last article in our marriage series, we will look at four lessons that will not only prevent ugly distance but will draw us closer together. 

 

1. Learn A Realistic View Of Your Marriage.

Paul says in Ephesians 4:31 the following, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” Why does Paul have to write this?  Because even Christians still have a sin nature and hurt each other. This naturally leads to bitterness, anger, and saying hurtful things to each other, which multiplies the bitterness, anger, and the hurtful words. If not checked, this will destroy a marriage. 

 

If we think that such things can’t happen in our marriage, we have taken the first step toward such ugly distance. 

 

How do we follow Ephesians 4:31? Paul makes it clear in this letter. It is because of Gods’ gracious work in us through the saving work of Jesus Christ (Eph. 1:4-7:2:8-9), which enables us to live like a new person (Eph. 2:10; 4:24) as we are strengthened in the Lord Jesus Christ and the power that comes from His might (Eph. 6:10). 

 

This leads to our second lesson.

 

2. Learn To Be Content in God. 

In Philippians 4:11 Paul wrote of himself: “…I have learned, in whatever situation I am, to be content.” The Puritan pastor, Jeremiah Burroghs, in his book, The Rare  Jewel Of Christian Contentment, wrote that contentment, according to Scripture, is: “The sweet, inward, quiet, gracious way of thinking and behaving that gladly submits to and freely delights in God’s wise and fatherly way of doing things in every circumstance.” In other words, the content Christian realizes that even when people sin and do things they should not have done, nevertheless, God is still in control and working all things together for our good. God brought together you and your spouse. He gave each of you to each other. He wants you to glorify Him by how you love each other and display a picture of Christ and the Church (Eph. 5:32). How your spouse treats you will not decide your well-being or lack thereof. God wants you to trust in Him, be content in Him, and love your spouse as Christ has loved you and given Himself for you—even though you deserve the opposite (Eph. 5:1-2). 

 

Chrisian contentment is so essential for you to love your spouse in spite of sin and pain against you. 

 

Such contentment leads to the next lesson.

 

3. Learn To Forgive.

In Ephesians 4:32 Paul writes: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” In other words, God’s forgiveness of us should lead to our forgiveness of others. After all, as we read in Matthew 18:23-35, what we must forgive our spouse for is nothing compared to how much God forgave of us. Additionally, God’s forgiveness of us leads to such a transformation in the lives of the truly saved, that not to forgive calls into question whether or not one is truly saved. 

 

Learn to forgive your spouse flowing out of your transformation by and your union with Christ as a new person. 

 

These first three lessons are so essential to prevent ugly distance between you. Yet, they all flow out of the fourth lesson. 

 

4. Learn To Put Your Spouse Ahead Of You.

In Philippians 2:3-4 Paul writes: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” The apostle goes on to say living like this is living like Jesus who put our need of salvation ahead of His own well-being. He humbled Himself, took on flesh, suffered and died for His bride. When we trust in the Father’s care for us, are content in Him, realize He wants us to love our spouse in such a way we put them in front of self, we then realize, as a result, we can and should forgive our spouse and love them even when we are hurt and disappointed. 

 

In this closest of all relationships, may Christ give you the grace to be strengthened and in Him to love as He commands and as your marriage needs. 

 

Praying For You And Your Marriage As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

 

Wives, Win Your Husbands By Your Actions

Since wives are not called by God to be the leader in a marriage, women often want to know how they can influence their husbands to come to faith in Jesus Christ or, if they are a Christian and not leading, how they can influence them to step up to the plate. 

For women asking that question, it is good news that Peter gives an answer in 1 Peter 3:1-7. Here is the answer Peter gave:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

 

Peter tells each wife who hopes for change in her husband the following.

 

First, when husbands (to whose Christ-like, loving leadership wives are to submit, vv. 1, 7) do not obey the Word of God and wives want this to change, Peter teaches they are to win them with their conduct, rather than trying to talk them into changing. The reasoning behind this is twofold. On one hand, since God created marriage to function best when wives respect their husband (Eph. 5:33), it usually does not work for a wife to attempt to push her husband into change, thinking that the more you talk to him and the louder you talk will bring about the greatest results. Instead, show him in your love for him and your family and how you walk with Jesus, the powerful way God can change a person. On the other hand, as Peter emphasizes later in this letter, people change through prayer. So, pray for your husband and win him with your prayerful, godly, Christlike conduct.

 

Next, do not think that all you need to do is to look pretty outwardly (v. 4). Instead, as you show your husband godly conduct, show him what it looks like to trust in Jesus Christ with a gentle and quiet attitude (inward beauty), rather than a combative demeanor (v. 4). After all, any wife can be combative. Only one powerfully transformed by Christ can be serene and at peace in less-than-ideal (and maybe even very difficult) circumstances. 

 

Additionally, stop listening to all the voices outside the Church and outside Scripture who tell you what you need to do so you can change your circumstances. Most will tell you, “Stand up for yourself!” Or, “You have to do what is best for you!” Yet, what Peter writes here about how wives influence their husbands is what “in God’s sight is very precious.” Never forget that our all-powerful, sufficient Savior , Jesus Christ, working through His sufficient Word, can change a heart and create a believing and leading husband out of one who has been silent and passive. 

 

Finally, follow the example of and learn from godly women in Scripture, throughout history, and even around you in your church, to see not only how to win your husband by your conduct, but also to strengthen your faith that God can work in His way to change your husband (vv. 5-6). 

 

Wife, remember that much of the Christian life is counterintuitive: Stop working to save yourself and believe on Him instead (Eph. 2:8-10), the way to exaltation is to humble yourself (1 Peter 5:6), and the best way to love a spouse is to love them less…that is, less than Jesus (Luke 14:26; Eph. 5:1-2, 21-33). We can add to this: if you want your husband to trust Jesus and to obey Him in the leadership of your marriage and family, stop trying to force or talk him into it. Instead, talk to God about him and win him as you live out your faith.

 

Living Out Our Faith With You As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

 

Single Adult, Seek God's Will

 Single adult, one of the most important things God would have you do when it comes to marriage is to pay attention to what He teaches you through and about marriage. This includes seeking God’s will when it comes to whether or not you will marry. Here are a number of things to remember.

 

1. Marriage And Our Happiness.

Though all the things we have shared in our sermons on marriage from Genesis 2:18-25 show how important marriage is in God’s plan and His mission for us, nevertheless marriage is not essential for true happiness. After all, we will not be married in our future eternal joy in God’s presence in the age to come (Luke 20:34-35). 

 

Likewise, we must guard against making marriage and/or a spouse or family a god (1 John 5:21). We must also guard against seeing our ultimate identity as defined by whether or not we are married (Rom. 6:1-23; 1 Cor. 6:11; 2 Cor. 5:17; Gal. 2:20; Eph. 4:22-24; Col. 3:10-17). 

 

It is essential to learn to be content in God (1 Cor. 7:17-38; Phil. 4:10-13), even though you might still desire marriage and seek marriage. Paul makes it clear that the most important thing is not being married or not, even though it might be best for one to pursue marriage (cf. 1 Cor. 7:2, 17-38). 

 

2. Marriage And Relationships.

Though God can take care of a lone Christian by him/herself through a special dispensation, in the event of imprisonment, solitary confinement, etc. (e.g. John on the island of Patmos [Rev. 1]), typically it should be remembered from the Bible’s teaching on marriage that community (we need others and they need us (1 Cor. 12) is essential for flourishing and for living out our walk with Christ (Gen. 1:26-28; 2:18; Gal. 6:1-2; 2 Tim. 4:9-14; Heb. 3:12-13; 10:24-25). 

 

3. Marriage And Your Church.

For any person who is not married (whether they want to be married or not), the family of God can provide missing familial community—even though this may not fully take away the longing or difficulty, esp. for the person who strongly desires to be married (Mk. 10:30; Lk. 8:19-21). So, seek to be part of a Bible Fellowship and/or an Iron Man/Woman team. 

 

4. Marriage And What You Do Now.

How does a single person know whether or not they should get married and what should they do while single? Follow these bits of wisdom: 

a. Remain faithful and pure while single, knowing that the Lord will help you do this and give you all you need for this (1 Cor. 10:13; 2 Peter 1:3-4f.). This, after all, is His will (Ex. 20:14; 1 Cor. 6:12-20; 1 Thes. 4:4). 

 

b. Seek God’s wisdom as to whether or not you should get married. (1 Cor. 7:17-38; Col. 1:9)

 

c. Pray and ask Him for a spouse, if you believe this is the best path for you. (Phil. 4:6, 19)

 

d. Take steps to be around and/or to have connection to those out of whom a godly spouse may emerge (Phil. 2:12-13). 

 

e. Trust God’s providence as your life situation unfolds. (Dt. 29:29; Rom. 8:28)

 

f. Remember that both married people and singles have important roles to play in the church,  displaying the truths of the gospel (1 Cor. 7:17-38; 2 Cor. 12:7-10; Eph. 5:32). 

 

g. If you pursue marriage and as you pursue marriage, remember that it is to be “only in the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39 [see also 2 Cor. 6:14]). Seek accountability within the body of Christ that you will not compromise in this (Heb. 3:12-13; 10:24-25). What this means is that as you take steps to be around or be connected to those out of whom a spouse may emerge, this should be only followers of Christ.

 

As you seek to apply the above biblical principles and wisdom, rememeber that as a Christian you can be assured that God is orchestrating all things together for your good, including singleness, getting married, staying single, and/or waiting for a spouse (Rom. 8:28).  

 

Seeking God’s Will With You As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

 

Wife, Find Joy In Helping Your Husband Flourish

In our last article we wrote, wife, that one of the ways you place yourself underneath your husband, who is your spiritual head, is to delight in helping him flourish in his role as a Christlike servant-leader who loves you as Christ loves the church. God has created your husband to be strong, to lead courageously, and care for his family with brave, manly love (Gen. 2:15; 1 Cor. 16:13-14; 1 Pet. 3:7). This does not mean he will be perfect at this or will always be right. Yet, if a wife makes her husband feel as if he doesn’t measure up, is rarely right or sufficient, it is like always keeping a dog chained up, when he is meant to run, play, hunt, retrieve, and smell all he can! He can’t be who he is supposed to be! This is the opposite of helping the husband flourish. 

 

There is no passage that addresses this more clearly than Ephesians 5:33. In this final word to wives in Paul’s teaching on marriage, he summarizes one of the most important ways a wife should treat her husband: “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” The word that the ESV translates “respect,” is phobeō, and is translated as “respect” in the majority of English versions. It is related to the noun in Ephesians 5:21 translated as “reverence” (phobos): “…submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” The idea is this, flowing out of our reverential high esteem and deep love for Jesus Christ, who is our Lord and Savior, we long to honor Him in our marriage. Wife, this should lead to you respecting, that is, having a high esteem for your husband and the place Jesus Christ has given him in your marriage and family. 

 

Here are some ways you can do this.

 

1. Remember That Ultimately Your Respect Is For Jesus Christ. 

Since we submit to each other so that we each flourish as God designed for us, and do this out of reverential high esteem for our Lord and Savior (Eph. 5:21), wife, you respect the place that Christ has given your husband, the purpose that Christ has in this (giving a picture of the gospel, v. 32), and the prospect of who your husband can become, if he is not currently the leader you would like for him to be. 

 

2. Remember That Your Respect For Jesus Christ And His Purpose In Your Marriage Should Lead To Prayer.

From The beginning of Scripture (Gen. 1:26-28; 2:18-25) to this passage in Ephesians, part of the mission God has given to man and woman is to help the world and all in it to flourish. Since this includes the picture of the gospel that is to be seen in and through marriage (Eph. 5:32), wife, this means there is no more important mission that your Lord and Savior has given you than to humble yourself in your marriage, love like Jesus loves, and help your husband become who God intended him to be. This does not mean trying to change him yourself. It is to pray much for him (Phil. 4:6) that God will help him to be the kind of leader God wants in your marriage. 

 

3. Remember That The Standard for Leadership In Marriage Comes From The Lord Jesus Christ And Not You.

Sometimes wives are disappointed with their husbands, not because the husbands do not measure up to Christ’s standards, but because they do not meet the wife’s expectations. Therefore, be a student of how Christ wants your husband to lead (Matt. 20:20-28; Eph. 5:25-27, 33; Col. 3:18-19; 1 Peter 3:7), pray for him to these ends, and finally, confess to God and repent of ways you have tried to change him to meet your expectations (1 John 1:9), and then confess this to your husband, asking for his forgiveness (James 5:16).

 

4. Remember That Your Marriage Is One Of God’s Best Tools To Sanctify You.

Often God uses trials, difficulties and disappointments to sanctify us, that is, to help us become more like Jesus Christ (Rom. 8:29; 2 Cor. 3:18; 1 Peter 1:6-9). It may be that Christ is changing you and in that transformation you will see your husband influenced to change. 

 

Wife, Jesus Christ calls you to trust and obey Him, and to leave the results in His hands. May you be faithful to Him, especially in loving your husband in a way that respects him, and encourages him to flourish in his role as a husband. 

 

Reverencing Jesus Christ With You As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

 

Wife, Delight In Your Husband Flourishing

 In Paul’s teaching on marriage, as seen in Ephesians 5:33, we discover that wives are to “respect” their husband. The word translated “respect” is phobeō. It speaks of a reverence or respect that is the opposite of taking someone lightly. Part of the implication is that the wife should acknowledge her husband’s leadership role and value it as coming from God. The passage began by calling all kinds of Christians to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ and the word translated, “reverence” is the noun form of the above verb. It is phobos.

This exhortation from Paul comes at the end of his teaching on marriage and appears to be a last word to husbands (“Love his wife as himself”) and to wives (“respects her husband”). As the last word to each, it appears to be a key need that each spouse needs. A wife needs to be loved in a manner that she is secure in that love and knows her husband loves her. A husband needs to be treated in such a way that he is not belittled or made by his wife to feel insignificant. 

Wife, in light of what we have seen in previous articles about the marriage relationship, your ultimate call by God toward your husband is to help him flourish (Gen. 1:26-28). And helping others flourish, as God wills for us, should lead to our delight. What this means, is that you should delight in helping your husband flourish. 

Here are some ways you can do that. 

1. Since the husband is called lead in your marriage and family, pray for him to do this, even when it is hard. What is more, affirm him when he is doing well. When you think he is falling short, pray for him much, before trying to force him to change so that he leads better. 

2. Realize all husbands (other than Jesus Christ) will fail in some way as they lead in their marriage and family. Be patient with and forgiving toward him. (See Col. 3:13) Also, refrain from trying to force him to change through incessant reminders or through anger (1 Peter 3:1-2). To the best of your ability and God’s grace, follow their lead and give them space to lead, rather than becoming the leader yourself in his place.

3. If all of this is hard for you, find another mature Christian woman who can keep you accountable, pray for you, and help you work through how to apply the will of God in wise ways (Col. 1:9f.; Heb. 3:12-14).

4. Look for opportunities to affirm your husband in his decisions and leadership. He needs to know you appreciate him and notice when he is trying to carry out God’s will. 

5. Never forget that God has designed us so that marriage functions best when husbands are leading and wives are encouraging that leadership. As we have already said, this will not mean that you cannot give input to your husband, nor does it mean you and he will not make decisions together. Yet, it does demand you encourage him as often as possible in his leadership. 

May God give you grace to “play the Jesus role” to which He has called you, and may God shower you with His blessings as you are faithful to Him in marriage.  

Praying For You As Your Joyful Pastor,

Tom

Wife, Put Yourself In The Right Place

“Wife, Put Yourself In The Right Place”

In Ephesians 5:18 all those who have been saved and transformed into new people are commanded to “be filled (that is, led and controlled) with the Spirit.” Then we are told in 5:21 that those who are filled with the Spirit will place themselves underneath others, that is put them and their needs before self. The motivation for this will be robust reverential awe and adoration before the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Paul goes on to say that what this means for wives is that they will place themselves underneath their own husbands (Ephesians 5:22), and the reason is that the husband has been given a place of leadership in the marriage and home (5:23), and all this provides a picture of Jesus Christ and His relationship to the church (Ephesians 5:32). Because God has designed men, women, and marriage to function best when husbands and wives accept and live out the role He has given to each, I take this to mean that your marriage relationship, wife, will work the best when you follow the Spirit’s lead and God’s command to place yourself underneath your husband’s leadership, and when you encourage your husband to take up his God-given role. 

Of course, I have never been in your shoes and so I can’t say, “I know what it is like to place myself underneath a spouse as they take a place of leadership in our relationship.” But, I do know that this is not easy. So, let me provide a number of helps that Scripture provides. 

Help One: This Does Not Mean Your Husband Is More Important Than You.

When God created Adam and Eve, He made it clear that though they would have different roles, they are equal in value and significance (Genesis 2:18). The intent was never to disrespect women, including you, your gifts, and abilities, but to communicate in this relationship the gospel of Jesus Christ, including how He and the church relate. 

Help Two: This Does Not Mean Your Husband Is More Talented Or Capable Than You.

You, like all people, have strengths and weaknesses. So does your husband, and this means that there will be some things you do better than he, and some things he will do better than you. The wise husband prays for, loves, and relates to his wife in a way that encourages her to use her gifts and to contribute to decisions made as a couple—as much as possible. 

Pray for your husband to lead and love sacrificially, like Christ loves the church sacrificially. Pray that God will give wisdom to him for how to do this, and wisdom to you so you can, at one and the same time, use your gifts and talents, but also can encourage him in his leadership. This is a “dance” that will not be the same in all married couples. 

Help Three: Jesus Died For You To Live For Him And Others, Not Self.

In 2 Corinthians 5:15 Paul writes that Jesus died for you so that you would no longer live for self but for Jesus Christ (and what He wills for us, and so we will live for others). This means that God wants you to relate in a way to your husband such that he can fulfill his calling in marriage and you can also. If you have children, this also includes serving them by showing them the gospel in your marriage and by showing them how husbands and wives are to relate to each other as followers of Jesus. 

Wife, remember, and regularly pray about this: Your role as a wife is one of the ways you serve Jesus Christ and His glory!

Help Four: You Are Helping Your Husband, Children, And Others Around You Flourish.

We will talk about this more in our next post. Simply-put, you are praying for, loving, and relating to your husband not as a floor mat to be walked all over, but as a Christ-like loving wife, setting an example for others. 

Help Five: Remember Both You And Your Husband Are Called To Fulfill A Jesus Role.

Your husband is called to be a leader who leads you and the family as a servant who loves you and is willing to sacrifice himself for you all (Mat. 20:20-28; Ephesians 5:25-27). 

You are called to place yourself, an equal to your husband, underneath his leadership, in the same way Jesus the Son does to the Father (1 Cor. 11:3), and you are called to imitate Jesus by releasing your hold on equality with your husband, placing yourself under his leadership humbly, similar to the way Jesus humbled Himself to save us (Phil. 2:5-8). 

Help Six: Remember The Way To Future Exaltation Is First Through Humility.

As Jesus illustrated for us (Phil. 2:5-11) and as God commands us through Peter (1 Peter 5:6), we all are to live in humility as the way to reward and exaltation. All are to do this. You, as a wife, are called to live this out, in part, in your marriage. 

Wife, bottom-line, as Jesus taught in John 15:1-16, the way to fullness of joy is to abide in Him in such a way that we love one another sacrificially, for the glory of God. No doubt you, like every wife, will face difficult days as a wife who is trying to follow your husband’s leadership, but in the long run, this will be the way to greatest joy and service of the Lord to His glory in your marriage.

So, by His grace, put yourself in the right place!

Joyously Sacrificing With You,

Tom