Dealing With Conflict As A Joyful Follower

Conflict is a regular part of human relationships. This is confirmed by the fact that Jesus taught what we should do if we hurt someone else (Matthew 5:23-24) or if someone does something against us (Matthew 18:15).  It is also confirmed by the fact that Paul and Barnabas even parted ways, disagreeing over what to do with John Mark on Paul’s second missionary trip (Acts 15:36-41).  Too often disagreements lead to people dividing from and hurting each other even further.  The Bible, however, offers very clear and effective teaching on how to approach conflict with others.  There are four key principles we are well-served in keeping before us in any conflict.[1]

First, we must realize conflict is an opportunity to

Glorify God.  Glorifying God (putting His greatness on display) is the ultimate purpose of mankind. (Matthew 5:16; 1 Corinthians 10:31) When God changes our lives through His grace, results such as righteousness, good works toward others, forgiveness, love, and peace bring glory to God. (Matthew 5:16; John 13:34-35; 15:1-12; 2 Corinthians 9:13; Philippians 1:9-11; 2:14-15) All of this means that when conflict arises, it is an opportunity to put God’s life-changing grace on display. Most people do not work out their differences well.  When, by God’s grace, we face conflict head-on, it puts on display what God can do through us. When we remember this, it transforms how we face these hard times in relationships, helping us to face them rather than run from them.  It also reminds us to pray for God’s help. (Matthew 7:7-11; John 15:7)

With this mind frame we are ready to take the next step…

Get the log out of your own eye.  This phrase comes from Matthew 7:1-5: "Judge not, that you be not judged…. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?...You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.”  (emphasis added)  Before we go and communicate to someone how we believe they have hurt or offended us, this passage urges us to:  (1) Ask how I might have contributed to the problem?  (2) Communicate to the person how I have contributed to the problem and, if applicable, ask for forgiveness.  Doing these two things not only may decrease in our mind the part the other person played while increasing our part; it also may lead them to be more receptive to what we have to say.  Sometimes you might even conclude you do not have to go to the person except to apologize.  Surely, it will enable us to be more gracious, humble, and understanding. 

Gently Restore.  Once we have wrestled with what our part in the conflict has been, if there is still a need to communicate to the other person their part in the situation, do so with grace and gentleness (Proverbs 18:13; Ephesians 4:29, 32; 2 Timothy 2:24-26), with the purpose of restoring your relationship and, if needed, restoring the person in their walk with Christ (Matthew 18:15; Galatians 6:1).  As you do this, speak the truth in and motivated by love (Ephesians 4:15; 1 John 4:8).  We must remember that as the family of Jesus Christ, we are to treat each other as brothers and sisters—thus caring enough not to look the other way when a fellow Christian is self-destructing and/or dishonoring God (2 Thessalonians 3:15).  Here are the seven A’s to remember when you gently restore:

• Address everyone involved.

• Avoid "if," "but," and "maybe".

• Admit specifically.

• Apologize.

• Accept the consequences.

• Alter your behavior.

• Ask for forgiveness.

Go and be reconciled.  Once you have worked things out with the other person, forgive them (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13).  This is a mark of those who are true believers (Matthew 6:14-15).  If you cannot reconcile with the person and/or they are unwilling to talk to you, then get others involved to help (Matthew 18:16-20).  There are four promises you can make which are helpful in forgiving another person:

• I will not think about this incident any more.

• I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.

• I will not talk to others about this incident.

• I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

Few things in life can be as difficult and as draining as conflict. Yet, when we approach it with God’s grace in Jesus Christ so that we can deal with it in an appropriate manner, nothing can be more rewarding that seeing our Savior make the difference, heal wounds, and bring peace. May God be honored as we deal with our differences as joyful followers of him and lovers of others to his glory!

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[1] These are taken from the book by Ken Sande, The Peacemaker.  See also his web site hispeace.org.  We regularly offer classes on the peacemaking process.