Wives, Win Your Husbands By Your Actions

Since wives are not called by God to be the leader in a marriage, women often want to know how they can influence their husbands to come to faith in Jesus Christ or, if they are a Christian and not leading, how they can influence them to step up to the plate. 

For women asking that question, it is good news that Peter gives an answer in 1 Peter 3:1-7. Here is the answer Peter gave:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

 

Peter tells each wife who hopes for change in her husband the following.

 

First, when husbands (to whose Christ-like, loving leadership wives are to submit, vv. 1, 7) do not obey the Word of God and wives want this to change, Peter teaches they are to win them with their conduct, rather than trying to talk them into changing. The reasoning behind this is twofold. On one hand, since God created marriage to function best when wives respect their husband (Eph. 5:33), it usually does not work for a wife to attempt to push her husband into change, thinking that the more you talk to him and the louder you talk will bring about the greatest results. Instead, show him in your love for him and your family and how you walk with Jesus, the powerful way God can change a person. On the other hand, as Peter emphasizes later in this letter, people change through prayer. So, pray for your husband and win him with your prayerful, godly, Christlike conduct.

 

Next, do not think that all you need to do is to look pretty outwardly (v. 4). Instead, as you show your husband godly conduct, show him what it looks like to trust in Jesus Christ with a gentle and quiet attitude (inward beauty), rather than a combative demeanor (v. 4). After all, any wife can be combative. Only one powerfully transformed by Christ can be serene and at peace in less-than-ideal (and maybe even very difficult) circumstances. 

 

Additionally, stop listening to all the voices outside the Church and outside Scripture who tell you what you need to do so you can change your circumstances. Most will tell you, “Stand up for yourself!” Or, “You have to do what is best for you!” Yet, what Peter writes here about how wives influence their husbands is what “in God’s sight is very precious.” Never forget that our all-powerful, sufficient Savior , Jesus Christ, working through His sufficient Word, can change a heart and create a believing and leading husband out of one who has been silent and passive. 

 

Finally, follow the example of and learn from godly women in Scripture, throughout history, and even around you in your church, to see not only how to win your husband by your conduct, but also to strengthen your faith that God can work in His way to change your husband (vv. 5-6). 

 

Wife, remember that much of the Christian life is counterintuitive: Stop working to save yourself and believe on Him instead (Eph. 2:8-10), the way to exaltation is to humble yourself (1 Peter 5:6), and the best way to love a spouse is to love them less…that is, less than Jesus (Luke 14:26; Eph. 5:1-2, 21-33). We can add to this: if you want your husband to trust Jesus and to obey Him in the leadership of your marriage and family, stop trying to force or talk him into it. Instead, talk to God about him and win him as you live out your faith.

 

Living Out Our Faith With You As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

 

Single Adult, Seek God's Will

 Single adult, one of the most important things God would have you do when it comes to marriage is to pay attention to what He teaches you through and about marriage. This includes seeking God’s will when it comes to whether or not you will marry. Here are a number of things to remember.

 

1. Marriage And Our Happiness.

Though all the things we have shared in our sermons on marriage from Genesis 2:18-25 show how important marriage is in God’s plan and His mission for us, nevertheless marriage is not essential for true happiness. After all, we will not be married in our future eternal joy in God’s presence in the age to come (Luke 20:34-35). 

 

Likewise, we must guard against making marriage and/or a spouse or family a god (1 John 5:21). We must also guard against seeing our ultimate identity as defined by whether or not we are married (Rom. 6:1-23; 1 Cor. 6:11; 2 Cor. 5:17; Gal. 2:20; Eph. 4:22-24; Col. 3:10-17). 

 

It is essential to learn to be content in God (1 Cor. 7:17-38; Phil. 4:10-13), even though you might still desire marriage and seek marriage. Paul makes it clear that the most important thing is not being married or not, even though it might be best for one to pursue marriage (cf. 1 Cor. 7:2, 17-38). 

 

2. Marriage And Relationships.

Though God can take care of a lone Christian by him/herself through a special dispensation, in the event of imprisonment, solitary confinement, etc. (e.g. John on the island of Patmos [Rev. 1]), typically it should be remembered from the Bible’s teaching on marriage that community (we need others and they need us (1 Cor. 12) is essential for flourishing and for living out our walk with Christ (Gen. 1:26-28; 2:18; Gal. 6:1-2; 2 Tim. 4:9-14; Heb. 3:12-13; 10:24-25). 

 

3. Marriage And Your Church.

For any person who is not married (whether they want to be married or not), the family of God can provide missing familial community—even though this may not fully take away the longing or difficulty, esp. for the person who strongly desires to be married (Mk. 10:30; Lk. 8:19-21). So, seek to be part of a Bible Fellowship and/or an Iron Man/Woman team. 

 

4. Marriage And What You Do Now.

How does a single person know whether or not they should get married and what should they do while single? Follow these bits of wisdom: 

a. Remain faithful and pure while single, knowing that the Lord will help you do this and give you all you need for this (1 Cor. 10:13; 2 Peter 1:3-4f.). This, after all, is His will (Ex. 20:14; 1 Cor. 6:12-20; 1 Thes. 4:4). 

 

b. Seek God’s wisdom as to whether or not you should get married. (1 Cor. 7:17-38; Col. 1:9)

 

c. Pray and ask Him for a spouse, if you believe this is the best path for you. (Phil. 4:6, 19)

 

d. Take steps to be around and/or to have connection to those out of whom a godly spouse may emerge (Phil. 2:12-13). 

 

e. Trust God’s providence as your life situation unfolds. (Dt. 29:29; Rom. 8:28)

 

f. Remember that both married people and singles have important roles to play in the church,  displaying the truths of the gospel (1 Cor. 7:17-38; 2 Cor. 12:7-10; Eph. 5:32). 

 

g. If you pursue marriage and as you pursue marriage, remember that it is to be “only in the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39 [see also 2 Cor. 6:14]). Seek accountability within the body of Christ that you will not compromise in this (Heb. 3:12-13; 10:24-25). What this means is that as you take steps to be around or be connected to those out of whom a spouse may emerge, this should be only followers of Christ.

 

As you seek to apply the above biblical principles and wisdom, rememeber that as a Christian you can be assured that God is orchestrating all things together for your good, including singleness, getting married, staying single, and/or waiting for a spouse (Rom. 8:28).  

 

Seeking God’s Will With You As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom

 

Wife, Find Joy In Helping Your Husband Flourish

In our last article we wrote, wife, that one of the ways you place yourself underneath your husband, who is your spiritual head, is to delight in helping him flourish in his role as a Christlike servant-leader who loves you as Christ loves the church. God has created your husband to be strong, to lead courageously, and care for his family with brave, manly love (Gen. 2:15; 1 Cor. 16:13-14; 1 Pet. 3:7). This does not mean he will be perfect at this or will always be right. Yet, if a wife makes her husband feel as if he doesn’t measure up, is rarely right or sufficient, it is like always keeping a dog chained up, when he is meant to run, play, hunt, retrieve, and smell all he can! He can’t be who he is supposed to be! This is the opposite of helping the husband flourish. 

 

There is no passage that addresses this more clearly than Ephesians 5:33. In this final word to wives in Paul’s teaching on marriage, he summarizes one of the most important ways a wife should treat her husband: “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” The word that the ESV translates “respect,” is phobeō, and is translated as “respect” in the majority of English versions. It is related to the noun in Ephesians 5:21 translated as “reverence” (phobos): “…submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” The idea is this, flowing out of our reverential high esteem and deep love for Jesus Christ, who is our Lord and Savior, we long to honor Him in our marriage. Wife, this should lead to you respecting, that is, having a high esteem for your husband and the place Jesus Christ has given him in your marriage and family. 

 

Here are some ways you can do this.

 

1. Remember That Ultimately Your Respect Is For Jesus Christ. 

Since we submit to each other so that we each flourish as God designed for us, and do this out of reverential high esteem for our Lord and Savior (Eph. 5:21), wife, you respect the place that Christ has given your husband, the purpose that Christ has in this (giving a picture of the gospel, v. 32), and the prospect of who your husband can become, if he is not currently the leader you would like for him to be. 

 

2. Remember That Your Respect For Jesus Christ And His Purpose In Your Marriage Should Lead To Prayer.

From The beginning of Scripture (Gen. 1:26-28; 2:18-25) to this passage in Ephesians, part of the mission God has given to man and woman is to help the world and all in it to flourish. Since this includes the picture of the gospel that is to be seen in and through marriage (Eph. 5:32), wife, this means there is no more important mission that your Lord and Savior has given you than to humble yourself in your marriage, love like Jesus loves, and help your husband become who God intended him to be. This does not mean trying to change him yourself. It is to pray much for him (Phil. 4:6) that God will help him to be the kind of leader God wants in your marriage. 

 

3. Remember That The Standard for Leadership In Marriage Comes From The Lord Jesus Christ And Not You.

Sometimes wives are disappointed with their husbands, not because the husbands do not measure up to Christ’s standards, but because they do not meet the wife’s expectations. Therefore, be a student of how Christ wants your husband to lead (Matt. 20:20-28; Eph. 5:25-27, 33; Col. 3:18-19; 1 Peter 3:7), pray for him to these ends, and finally, confess to God and repent of ways you have tried to change him to meet your expectations (1 John 1:9), and then confess this to your husband, asking for his forgiveness (James 5:16).

 

4. Remember That Your Marriage Is One Of God’s Best Tools To Sanctify You.

Often God uses trials, difficulties and disappointments to sanctify us, that is, to help us become more like Jesus Christ (Rom. 8:29; 2 Cor. 3:18; 1 Peter 1:6-9). It may be that Christ is changing you and in that transformation you will see your husband influenced to change. 

 

Wife, Jesus Christ calls you to trust and obey Him, and to leave the results in His hands. May you be faithful to Him, especially in loving your husband in a way that respects him, and encourages him to flourish in his role as a husband. 

 

Reverencing Jesus Christ With You As Your Joyful Pastor,

 

Tom